


an entry in the scrapbook of absurdity

by whitefang (radialarch)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 23:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3400823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radialarch/pseuds/whitefang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Steve turns into a baby and bites people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	an entry in the scrapbook of absurdity

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lanyon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanyon/gifts).



> I had this sitting around, and then I wanted to cheer lanyon up <3
> 
> Consequently, this has no plot whatever.

When Bucky steps into the briefing room, Steve is already there. He looks up as Bucky comes in, then looks away.

“Are you guys fighting?” Tony asks, glancing up from a holographic projection. “Only we have to fight some sort of magician, so I’d appreciate if you keep in-fighting to a minimum.”

“No,” he and Steve say at the same time. Bucky clears his throat, wrong-footed, and looks down at his feet.

“Uh huh,” Tony says, voice dry. “Very convincing. A+ performance.”

“Focus, Tony,” Bruce says. “Go back to the part where we’re fighting a magician.”

“Right. It’s not really magic — some sort of stolen Asgardian technology? Either way, he’s frozen over Rockefeller Plaza and now an army of frogs is marching onto Queens, so let’s call it magic.”

“Does he want anything?” Steve asks tersely.

“Fame, money, girls — who knows,” Tony waves. “He didn’t say anything before he started his rampage of doom.”

“We’re wasting time,” Natasha says, arms crossed. “Let’s go take him down, ask questions after.”

“Yeah,” Steve says. “Let’s get going.”

Bucky follows the others out. He tries not to look at Steve.

*

It turns out “army of frogs” is not a euphemism. Bucky untangles himself from a pink, sticky tongue and resolves to take a long shower after.

“Clint, on your left,” Steve’s voice comes over the comms.

“Got it,” Clint says. There’s a dull thump and a surprised croak; Bucky smiles grimly.

They’re getting closer to the magician. Tony’s herding the frogs in his direction, while Natasha’s stealthily coming up from behind. Bucky watches Clint spear another frog in the eye and jumps out of the way of a huge webbed foot.

Steve is fighting two frogs at once. His uniform is covered in slime, and Bucky can see him favoring his left leg.

“Bucky, watch out!” The shout comes from behind him. Bucky whips around to see a bolt of blue light coming at him.

He dives left. There is a very bright flash.

The Hulk is holding the magician in one large fist. That’s what he sees first when he gets up.

Then he sees the baby.

The baby sitting in a puddle of Steve’s uniform.

“Oh,” Bucky says very slowly. “Fuck.”

*

“When we undo this I’m going to kill him,” Bucky says. “I can take care of myself, he shouldn’t have thrown himself in the way—” Then he stops talking because there’s a baby in his face.

“He probably shouldn’t be crawling around in the slime and the…everything,” Bruce explains. “You should hold him.”

Bucky reaches out instinctively and receives a surprisingly heavy baby in his arms.

He looks at Steve. “This is all your fault,” he says sternly. “I don’t need you protectin’ me every step of the way, do you hear?”

Steve looks up at him with very large, very blue eyes. Then he gives a little hiccup and smiles, toothy and wide.

And god help him, Bucky feels his heart melt a little.

*

“So.” Tony says. “A baby.”

They all stare at Steve, crawling on top of the coffee table. Someone had found a towel and wrapped Steve in it, but it’s rapidly coming undone as Steve gnaws at a corner.

“Are we sure that’s Steve?” Natasha wants to know. “Maybe it was a teleportation spell.”

“Uh, hello, have you looked at him?” Tony says. “Blond hair, blue eyes, a weird air of righteousness?”

“Shut up, Tony,” Bucky says tiredly. “But yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s him.”

Steve takes this moment to tumble off the coffee table. Bucky catches him in two hands and gently pushes him upright again.

“We’ll figure this out,” Bruce says. “Tony, you can run some tests, yeah?”

“Run some tests? Run some tests? Is that what you wanna call it?” Tony says. “This is Asgardian tech — it’s insanely complicated, and about a thousand years ahead of the rest of us, but yeah, I can  _run some tests_.”

“Run ‘em,” Bucky says. “The sooner this gets fixed, the better.”

*

Steve sits still while Tony and Bruce take x-rays, and peer into his ears and mouth, and even when they take blood samples. Bucky begins to think that maybe this will all be okay.

And then Tony goes to pick Steve up.

"Uh, biting! Baby Steve’s biting me!” Tony hurriedly extracts his finger from Steve’s mouth. “D’you think that’s a new thing, or has he always wanted to do that?"

Bucky can’t help it — he lets out a laugh. Steve looks at him, looking very pleased with himself.

“Good for you,” he tells Steve, picking him up by the middle. “Stand up for yourself, Rogers.”

Bruce is trying to hide a smile. “Well,” he says. “This is going to be very interesting.”

*

Pepper’s sent out somebody to get baby clothes. Tony’s made sure they’re all in shades of red, white, and blue.

Steve reacts to getting dressed by taking off his socks one by one. They all watch him, at a bit of a loss.

"Someone could hold him," Clint says. "Isn’t that what babies like? Nat, you do it."

At the sound of her name, Steve looks up and stares in her direction. He lifts his arms at her, pleading a little.

"No, no, no," Natasha says. "No babies for me."

Steve reaches out to grab at her shoes. Natasha sighs and bends down, untangling tiny fingers from her shoelaces.

"C’mere, bud," Bucky says. Steve ignores him, shifting his attention to Clint and grabbing at the hem of Clint’s pants.

“Hey, hey,” Bucky says gently, and replaces the denim in Steve’s mouth with the fingers of his left hand. Steve makes a contented noise, leaving saliva all over the shiny metal.

"Has he always been so…bitey?" Clint asks, wary.

"Maybe he’s frustrated," Bucky says. He strokes Steve’s fine blond hair, tucking it behind Steve’s ear. "You would be too, if you suddenly turned into a baby."

"So we leave him to the baby whisperer, no biggie," Tony says. He rubs at his finger with exaggerated motions. "The rest of us will just stay away. Far away."

"I can take care of him," Bucky says. "Might need some help."

"We’re all going to help,” Bruce assures him.

Judging from the way the others are staring at Steve, Bucky’s doubting that a little.

*

Bucky takes Steve to his room because he certainly can’t leave him alone, and finds that Tony has decided to dump the entirety of a Babies R Us into his living room.

“What am I going to do with you?” Bucky asks as he lets Steve down onto the floor. Steve ignores him entirely to crawl toward a large teddy bear and starts chewing at its ear.

“Yeah, all right,” Bucky says. “It’s more my problem than yours, anyway.”

He starts to separate out things he actually needs from the enormous pile of baby things. Steve remains on the floor, gurgling happily at his bear.

*

By the time Bucky’s finished, Steve has fallen asleep. Bucky looks at the way he’s sprawled across the bear and feels a surge of affection in his chest.

“I know you’d hate this,” he murmurs as he picks Steve up — Steve’s always hated not being able to take care of himself — “but it could worse, couldn’t it?”

*

By the time Tony and Bruce’s test results come back, Bucky’s fed Steve twice and changed him once. Steve is now asleep on his shoulder, a damp lock of Bucky’s hair in his mouth.

"So you can’t really do anything?" Bucky asks.

"Looks like the spell’s gotta wear off on its own," Tony says. "Until then we can all resign ourselves to bitemarks and diaper changes."

"Although," Bruce says mildly, "he only really starts biting when you’re around."

"Oh, so it’s my fault." Tony throws his hands up. "Thanks, Steve. Thanks a lot."

At the sound of his name, Steve wakes up. He immediately points to the ground and demands to be let down.

“‘fraid not, buddy,” Bucky says. “We don’t know what Tony’s got on the floor.”

Steve apparently doesn’t find that satisfactory. He retaliates by kicking at Bucky’s chest.

"You know, I never figured Captain America would be such a wiggly baby," Tony says. "Well, I didn’t figure Captain America as a baby at all, but you know what I mean."

Bucky makes a thoughtful noise. “I don’t know,” he admits. “I think he was sick a lot.”

"Well, there you go," Clint offers from a distance. "He’s not sick this time, of course he’s all happy and energetic and…bitey." He frowns at the hem of his jeans, still damp from Steve’s attack earlier.

“Maybe you could take him out for exercise,” Bruce says. “Playgrounds? Those are a thing, yeah?”

“I got him a swing set,” Tony protests. “There’s no need to take him outside.”

“Tony, your swing set is called ‘Swing-a-tron 2000’ and says it can launch small children up to six feet,” Bucky says. “I’m taking him out.”

*

There’s a playground four blocks away from Stark Tower. Bucky steers Steve away from the swing set and onto the slide.

“Bah!” Steve declares emphatically, tottering on top of the slide.

“I know, I know,” Bucky says. “It’s pretty tame compared to what you’re used to, huh.”

Steve beams a brilliant smile before launching himself down the slide.

“Whoa, whoa,” Bucky says. Steve squeals as he passes under Bucky’s hands and tumbles onto the ground. “You okay there, pal?”

Steve’s cheeks are flushed and he’s giggling, waving his fists in the air. “Again,” Bucky guesses, and lifts Steve up for another round.

*

After half an hour, Steve’s knees and hands are covered in dirt and Bucky’s spent far too long trying to keep Steve from eating his fingers.

“Okay, pal, we’re done,” he says, scooping Steve up from the ground. “That’s enough exercise for today.”

Steve doesn’t argue. He actually seems pretty tired, and lays his head on Bucky’s shoulder without a sound.

Bucky’s heart swells a little in his chest. “You were never so good when you were bigger,” he says affectionately, and smiles at him all the way back to the tower.

*

When he gets back, the others are having a Skype conference.

"Steve got turned into a baby," Sam repeats, tiny on the laptop screen. "Excuse me?"

"You don’t want to hear it," Natasha tells him. "Just come up here, would you? We could kind of use your help."

Steve grabs for Sam’s face on the screen, fingers waving cheerfully. Bucky eases him back before he can knock the laptop off the table.

"A baby, man," Sam says. "How is this even real."

“You’re gonna love joining the Avengers,” Tony says with some relish. “I’ll make you a welcome package.”

*

Over dinner, the Avengers find out that Steve only eats when Bucky’s the one feeding him.

“That’s not fair,” Tony complains. “After everything I’ve done for him.”

“I’d consider that list carefully,” Clint says. “Are you sure you want to go there?”

“He’s just used to me, all right?” Bucky says. He feeds Steve another spoonful of mashed something.

“Are you kidding, Barnes?” Tony says. “Look at this.” He picks up a spoon and shoves it at Steve. Steve retaliates by biting the spoon.

“There’s the biting thing again. Seriously, is it a smell thing?”

“It’s self-defense, more like,” Bucky snorts. “C’mon, Steve. Let’s get you away from the big bad man.”

“He’ll never like me now!” Tony yells at Bucky’s back as he leaves.

Bucky just laughs. Steve laughs back.

*

Bucky builds the crib carefully, and has to stop Steve from trying to eat the hammer twice.

“It doesn’t even look tasty,” Bucky says. “Have some sense of self-preservation, Rogers.”

Steve just yawns and tries to eat a nail.

When it’s finished, Bucky’s yawning too. “It’s pretty late, buddy,” he says. “What do you say we both go to sleep?”

Steve looks pretty happy with his crib for about five seconds. As soon as Bucky tries to leave the room, though, he starts wailing.

“Oh, come on,” Bucky says. “It’s too late for this.”

Steve stops wailing when Bucky picks him up, burying his face in Bucky’s shoulder and sniffling.

“All right,” Bucky says. “I’ll take you to bed. You’d better not wake me up,” he warns, “or it’s back to the crib with you.”

Steve gives him a beatific smile. Bucky’s never been able to resist that smile.

So Bucky tucks them both in under the covers. Steve wiggles his way to Bucky’s neck and sleepily chews at his hair.

“G’night, Steve,” Bucky says, and falls straight asleep. He doesn’t even have any nightmares.

*

Bucky wakes up the next morning with a full-sized Steve on his chest.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] being an Avenger is actually ridiculous](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3806701) by [sisi_rambles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisi_rambles/pseuds/sisi_rambles)




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